Bit of an emotional basket case...

Or that's how I feel today.  Maybe I'm tired from taking care of the sick children, and that is making me feel sad... and tired, or maybe I'm getting sick??  (Oh, no...please do NOT let it be that!!) Anyways...it  always amazes me that when I find myself feeling down, it always leads me back to Danny.  I mean, I guess in all reality 2 years isn't a lot of time.  But it still strikes me as strange at times.  I don't realize it until something happens like tonight.  The kids were watching  Good Luck Charlie, and it was the episode where baby Charlie is born.  I am on the computer, but hear them "ooohing and awwing" over the baby, and it brings immediate tears to my eyes, as my memory brings me back to when Danny was born.  How amazed I was with him.  How proud I was of him, and how much I loved him.  So here I am, still with a lump in my throat, and for some reason I just feel like sobbing...  ;O)  I suppose hearing cute little stories about his son, James always touches the soul too.  He is just is missing out on so much, and he is missed so much by so many people.  Why it always goes to him I don't know....My new normal I guess?
But I guess its OK to cry every now and then, isn't it?  Guess I will have to pay the bathroom a visit and cleanse the soul with some tears....
So....here is yet another toast to my brother.  I love him, and I miss him today.
And today would be a day that I would have called him to just say "Hi."

I feel better just writing about it.

Fever Dreams and Hot Lava~

Well....the kids got the flu.  Yuck.  High fevers, dry cough, dizziness, body aches, headaches, etc.  Caleb says hot lava is being poured down his throat.  (its not strep).  We were up about 6x last night due to the high fevers and night sweats.

And little Miss Emmy had strange nightmares all night.  I think it must have been because of her high fever? Not sure, but she was 100% certain that there was some evil entity in her room last night.  Whatever "it" was it was shaking her bed and making her jerk all over...  :O)
I convinced her the bed was ok, nothing was in there.  Took her a while to admit that there was no evil entity in there, and that probably she was just thrashing around herself.

Ah....the joys of sick children.

Here's hoping for a quick recovery, and that mom doesn't get this.

Holding Grudges, and Placing Blame~

It took me a long time to realize I had become a master at this.  It is not something that happened intentionally, it happened slowly, and because it is always so much easier to have a "reason" to be the way you are, how you act, etc. I mastered the fine art of placing blame where it did not belong.  Yep.  You read that right!  Where it did NOT belong.  I have started to realize a lot of things as I mature, recover, become more spiritually connected.  There is only one person to hold accountable, and that is yourself.  While you cannot control or change things that may have happened in your life that are painful, traumatic, or even things such as a divorce you did not want, you really are responsible for how you handle them.  Are you going to hang on to them for dear life and let those circumstances forever control you?  Are you going to use it as your excuse for being depressed, angry, sad, etc?  "You don't understand!  I was (you fill in the blank) as a child, teenager, young adult, etc...you'd be messed up too!!"  Well....I've got a secret for you.  Let go of it and stop using it as your excuse.  While every person has to work through the painful things of the past, that is what you have to do.  Work through them, don't climb around them, over them, under them.  Go through them with the help of God.  And by no means should you stay 'in' them.  That is how people grow into adults who have every excuse for their behaviors.  Everyone has painful pasts, we are not alone.  But not every person stays stuck.  What is the difference?  They have learned to forgive, get help, and move on.
I am able to write this because I know first hand.  You can't have something happen to you at age 14 and 20 years later say "I am the way I am because......I still have anger, hate, resentment for so and so.  They did this this and that to me, and I will never forget it, I am scarred forever."  Yes, scarred forever maybe, but scars don't hurt...  they are just gentle reminders of how far we've come....
Reliving things, remembering painful things does.  Therapy and recovery worked wonders for me.  I no longer use my pastas my excuse to be depressed, not trusting, afraid, etc.  I refuse to let that crap control me any longer.  I no longer use my brother's suicide as my ticket to drink.  I have forgiven the people who have wronged me.  I have sought out forgiveness to the people I have wronged.  I no longer let anyone live "rent free" inside my head, I no longer let anyone else, or past hurt, control who I am, or how I behave today.
I have broken free from the blame game.
Have you?

God is here~

My dad and I exchange "Today's Gift" and every once in a while I come across one that really hits home.
The one he sent me today is worth sharing. (in my humble opinion...plus its my blog I can do what I want.  tee hee!!)
In essence, we need to remember that God is always here.  Just because things might not turn out the way "we" want them to, doesn't mean God hasn't answered our prayers.  Doesn't He know best?  You don't have to be in recovery to benefit from the gift I am sharing with you today.  :O)


God Is Here
The Power, which restores us to sanity, is not something remote and abstract, which we must search for by reading books and performing great feats. Our Lord and Savior is with us constantly and is involved in the minute details of every day. We do not have to wait and work to become acceptable to God. God accepts us now, just as we are.
What gets in the way of our awareness of God is self. If we are narrowly focused on the concerns of ego and self-will, we ignore the presence of our Savior. Then we become weak and confused in our aloneness.
To be aware of the presence of God in our lives every day, all we need is the willingness to be open. We find that God is indeed "closer than breathing and nearer than hands and feet." What we may have spent years searching for or denying turns out to be the ground of our existence and the Power that sustains us every minute.
Increase my awareness of You, I pray.

Remembering Danny~

I read a post in my brother's guest book this morning, and for some reason it made me feel quite emotional.  I am missing Danny today.  Its nice to know that people don't forget.  He touched so many lives, whether it be witnessing and leading people to salvation, helping the broken down car on the side of the road, or literally saving lives with his job as a fireman.  He was a hero in the literal sense.  2 close people to Danny died at a young age.  One being his best friend, John.  (killed by a drunk driver), the other a gal who died of a heart condition.  Danny led both of those people down the path to salvation.  What a blessing!  Its all part of God's plan.  Below, please enjoy some pictures of my awesome little brother.  The first pic is of him fighting a pretty major fire.  It was in the news and stuff...

Look at that tattoo.  Believe it or not...yes, he was very, very proud of that thing...Its John Lennon.  He loved John Lennon.  My dad told him it looked like a press on.  Tee hee.  :O)

Sleep overs and Ice Skating!

When is the last time you went ice skating?  I mean, maybe not "official" ice skating since Caleb and I don't have ice skates....
Anyway, Emily had a friend spend the night, and they begged me to bring them ice skating.  So off we went to the rink.  Emily and friend went on their merry way with skates, Caleb and I in our boots.  It was so fun!!!
I do not remember the last time I did that.  Caleb and I held hands and went around this ice trail, and everytime I lost my balance, HE fell.  We laughed the entire time.  It was a blast.  By the end of fun fest, the girls decided to chuck the skates and use their boots instead.  Yep.  Me and Caleb knew what we were doin!  They played spies, and we cracked the ice with our boots.  Caleb found it hilarious that mom could crack the most ice with her feet.  ( I guess he doesn't have to know its because of "other" reasons.)  ;O)
          When we were done, I got the kids some Burger King, and we went home for the sleep over.  Caleb often feels left out when these occur as we have no boys in our neighborhood.  He is often left out, and it breaks his heart right a long with mine.  So I decided Caleb and I were going to have our own sleep over.
Its funny how a shift in wording can mend a little boys heart.  Don't get me wrong, he fought with me because we went to bed before the girls, but after we got all snuggled in our mattresses, we got to talking, and having a bit of our own fun conversations.....Then Bam.  he was asleep.  Ta Da!!! Caleb got to have a sleep over!!
So now I have a happy Caleb this morning.  Happy Caleb = Happy Mom.

Have a great day!!
Drive CAREFUL if you go out in the storm we're supposed to be getting~

He thinks I'm beautiful~

Isn't it nice to know that when you're down on yourself about the way you look, or about getting older, some gray hairs, a new wrinkle, your jeans don't fit, a bad haircut....there is someone who thinks we are beautiful always and no matter what?  I find that very comforting.  Especially us women...we struggle with all this vanity, and worry about how others view us and are always putting ourselves down.  Or at least I have a tendency to do that..(I don't think I'm alone).  But 1 Samuel 16:7 says "For the Lord sees not as man sees; for man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart."  Wow!!  We are all made in God's image.  We are all His children, and He loves US whether we need to lose 20, 30, even 100 pounds.  He loves our wrinkles and all.  That's because He doesn't care about those things!!  He sees our hearts.  Sure seems to me that we should probably start working a bit harder in that area.  Don't get me wrong.  Staying healthy is important, as our bodies are also the temple of God.  But it sure feels darn good to know that He will think I'm beautiful no matter what that number on the scale says.

So here is to us women!!  We need to embrace each other, and not judge.  Not compare.  Not beat ourselves up.  We are loved.  And we are beautiful!!

The song in her heart is restored at last~

Once upon a time there was a little girl who had a song in heart both day and night  (using this line from a poem my dad wrote me).  I was always singing as a child, I played with shampoo bottles (they were my friends with names and all), I loved to help cook and clean, and my heart was on fire for the Lord.  I saved all my pennies to give to the "starving kids in Africa", I was pen pals with the Missionaries from my church.
When I would help clean the church, my parents would give me a bit of money for the help.  I would go around singing "I got some money in my pocket and it jingle ling a lings".  I was sweet, kind, and caring.
One time I asked my mom if I could bring my blanket and go spend the night in Heaven just in case I didn't like it.  I wanted to check it out first~
I love being a big sister, and often would brag about how my brother's hair felt like butter.  Me and my sister were very close, often playing sisters...LOL
      As I got older, the storm clouds did gather, and the nights were so long, my trembling heart, silenced of song.  (more from my dad's poem)
This went on for quite some time.  I suffered much trauma as a teenager and young adult, building a wall around my heart to try to protect it from the pain I was enduring.
     It took me many, many years to evolve back to the person I am.  To allow the walls to come down.  To learn how to trust, and lean on God, and not my own understanding.  It took me years to stop using my past as my excuse.  I have a long way to go, but I work on it all the time.  I still have my issues, and there is still some walls that need to be tumbled down, but I am making it.  I am doing it.  I am going to be OK!!!
     I no longer blame my past for mistakes I've made.  I embrace all that has happened in my life, for it all has its purpose, and it has molded me into who I am supposed to be.  My purpose becomes clearer every day, and for that I thank God.  I thank God for the good, the bad, and the ugly.


And guess what?
The song in my heart has been restored at last.

I just want to be a sheep....baa baa baa baa

I just want to be a sheep baa baa baa baa, I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
I just want to be a sheep baa baa baa baa.

Do you know that song?  It is a children's song.  Its a cute song, but boy the words ring true with me.  "I just want to be a sheep" is no small feat.  It means living your life for God, and committing to follow Him.  It means letting Him lead you, without question, and most importantly letting Him find you and rescue you when you've gotten lost.

In February, 2009 after my brother committed suicide, I got lost.  I did not know what I was doing anymore.  I drank and drank and drank trying to stuff my hurt.  A hurt so intense I had not a clue how to deal with it.  The depression, drinking, and pain continued to progress rapidly.  Satan was quite happy with Kristy during this time.  I scared my family, they wondered if they were going to lose yet another child.  I hurt my children, my husband.  But I could not see past myself during this time.

Well, let me tell you that God had other plans for me.  He made it very clear to me on December 3, 2009.  I hit my bottom.  I took my circumstances and turned them around.  God had lost His child, (his sheep) long enough.  He was not going to sit back and wait for me any longer. He was done.  He allowed December 3rd to happen because that was His way of saying "NO MORE.  You are MY Child, and I love YOU." 
That was what it took.  My shepherd brought me back to the safety of His tender loving arms.

And that is why I just want to be a sheep.

I won't stop til I find all the answers!!

This is the mind  of my 18 year old college freshman.  He is at that age where he feels he has to search and search and search for answers.  He doesn't like the idea of "blind faith".  He wants to see it, touch it, feel it, smell it before he believes it.  He shared with me and my mom that he wishes he was as "simple minded" as us, and that he wishes he could just have that sort of faith.  Michael was born with a brilliant mind.  He really was.  Anything he sets his mind to he excels at.  When he decided to play football, he was great.  When he picked up a guitar he showed what a musical genius he is.  He can write music, he writes lyrics, and poetry.  Most of it is quite profound, or in other words, I don't understand most of it..  :O)
He whipped through school, never having to study for a test, always getting good grades.  Now he is determined to major in physics....He's finding out that even the "smart" ones have to study once you're in college!  But he is studying very hard, and getting awesome grades, and I couldn't be more proud of his academic excellence.
Michael was my first born.  He's the one whose been on the journey with me from the beginning.  I was only 18 years old when I had him, so in some ways, he had to grow up with a mom who still had some growing up to do.  I am grateful God gave him to me first.  He handled all the turmoil in stride.  He was such a beautiful little boy.  So beautiful in fact people often mistook him for a girl with his big brown eyes, rosy cheeks, and big full lips...My nicknames for him were Little Baby Bo Bo (thanks to mine daddy), we'd sing "Little Baby Bo Bo won't you talk to me?  Little Baby Bo Bo I'm on bended knee..."  My other nick name is Miku Boyka.  Michael Boy.  (its Finnish I think...No.  I'm not finnish.  Don't even know how to spell it)
When he was a baby  and would cry, it didn't matter how long he'd been crying.  All I had to do was sing "Oh Shanendoa (sp??) I long to hear you....away..you rolling river..."  He LOVED that song...
I remember one time when we were visiting my mom and dad and my dad was making chicken noodle soup, and he picked Michael up to stir it, and Michael smelled it cooking and said "MMMM!!  Num Num??"  *sigh* the memories...

So as my boy grows into this man he is becoming, I, too, hope he can find a way to find his "blind faith".  Sometimes  I think people wait until something life altering happens before they realize this faith we have isn't so blind after all.
My hope for Michael is to find a way to quiet that brilliant mind of his.  Its truly a gift he has, but it can also be his worst enemy.  I hope he finds the balance.  I pray that God will lead him back into His arms.  I pray that he gets to that point where he realizes he cannot have all the answers.  Search and searching more is so tiresome.  Especially when "we" know we can't ever have all the answers.  Only our Lord and Savior has that honor. I, myself, will gladly live without the answers.  I have my salvation, and that is all I really need.
I need proof of that about as much as I do when the wind blows..  ;O)
I love you Michael.  I am very proud to call you my son.

Til Next Time~

Home really is where the heart is~

Some might say its cliche`, I say its true.
Your home might be with children, or furry friends.  Your home might be just you.  You and your room mate, you and your spouse...the list goes on.  It doesn't really matter who is in your home, what matters is its home to you.  Its the safe place, the comfy place you long for when you've had to sleep somewhere else.  What is it that makes it so special?  Is it the homey smell of just "your house"?  Or is it the feeling of security you get from knowing it belongs to you?  Plopping down into your bed at night.  Nothing is better.  Using your own bathroom, sitting on your own couch.  Even if its a weekend away from the kids, you still long for home.  You are usually in the door and already  ready for another vacation, but you still want it, you still want to be in that familiar place.
I love my home.  I love the safety it provides me.  The stability it gives.  Knowing I have a husband and children who love me, who want me back when I'm gone.  These are the things I treasure. 
My life.  My home.  My peace.  My home is the only place that brings this to me, and for that I am grateful.

Happy Valentine's Day to all of you who may read this.  I've decided its not about "couples", its about love, as my niece put it.  So celebrate the ones you love today and every day.  Say it while you can.  Show it while you can. 
Thanks to my hubby for the beautiful card, flowers, and dinner.  We don't get out nearly enough alone, and it was nice.  We really should try to do that more often.

Today, I'll leave you with this:

The love that lasts the longest is the love that is never returned.

Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it

So great are the effectiveness and power of the Word of God that the more it is persecuted the more it flourishes and grows

While I know myself as a creation of God, I am also obligated to realize and remember that everyone else and everything else are also God's creation.

We are never defeated unless we give up on God.

Rejoice in the Lord for always~ again I say rejoice~

Look at this sexy butt...

Oh, what has happened to my Jonny Bob?  Heh heh.  It seems like over night he turned into this handsome young man who just so happens to think he has a very sexy butt.  ;O)
It amazes me how Jon has evolved.  Out of all my children he is the one who has changed the most.
When Jon was a baby, he had to have (at all times mind you) 3 pacifiers.  One in the mouth, and one in each hand.  Panic would set in if he didn't have all three.  Jonny Bob with the patch over one eye because the other one needed surgery.  Jonny Bob who was shy, and hid in a closet crying for an hour when his uncle gave him a wet willy...Jon who would only play outside with utmost care so he wouldn't get "bacteria" on himself.  Jon who had to have the bows on his shoes the same exact size.  The boy who was afraid of "lightling"...
No longer!!  Jon no longer cares much about bacteria, (just look in his room!!).  Jon is no longer shy, and has enough self confidence to go around.  I am so grateful he has turned into the fine young man he has.
He is smart, kind, funny, confident, and respectful.
He plays the guitar, drums, and it comes easy for him.  Just like his big brother, Michael.
He has an awesome sense of humor, and isn't afraid to tell me he loves me at night.

The one thing he's carried over, is he is pretty good at being sneaky.  I say he'll outgrow that too.
In about 10 years..
When he was younger, Troy and I would joke that if anyone ever made the boys mad, Michael would be in your face, and Jon would be the one who cut the brake lines... 

So here is my tribute to my Jonny Bob, Jonny Bib, "Jonathan Robert, MD."

I love ya boy~

My gift for you today~

I find it awfully hard to give myself a break. I don't know where that attitude comes from.
--Walker I.

"I can't. I shouldn't. It's my fault." These self-abasing and self-defeating thoughts are expressions of shame. Because repeated thoughts turn into beliefs and long-held beliefs turn into actions, thoughts rooted in shame can lead to tragedy.

People who live in shame come to believe that it is not okay to make a mistake. They imagine they should know what to do without having to learn it. They think their wrong judgments mean they themselves are wrong.

But it is human to make mistakes. If we acknowledge we are human, we are defining ourselves as people who always have something to learn (Thomas Edison failed to perfect the light bulb until his ten-thousandth try). We are saying we have to keep going if our plans don't work out right away (Walt Disney went bankrupt seven times before he met with success).

"Thou shalt not be human" is the command of shame. What rubbish! How can we be anything else? Why would we want to be?

I pray I will live comfortably with human limitations. I will try to accept from myself what I accept from others.

Would you still love me if I looked like.....

Feel free to fill in the blank.  This is the question Emily asks me every single day.  Usually more then 1x a day.  I assure her that yes, Emily, I will love you always forever and no matter what.  I think all kids must go through that phase, as I remember doing the same thing as a little girl.
Emily is my only daughter, and I am so happy I have her!!  I remember when I was pregnant with her, and the Doctor thought something was wrong with her heart.  I remember taking baths and crying in the bathtub, just talking to her, crying, and praying that God would give me a healthy, happy little girl. 
Tiny at only 6 pounds, 5 ounces, she was still a healthy baby with no heart condition.  :O)

Emily is my one who likes her routine.  She is my Bee Buzz, ( Jon gave her that nick name), My Emma Bee Buzz, and just plain old Beebz...
Every night we say "Good night.  Sweet dreams.  I love you.  See you in the morning.  See you when we get up.  Good night.  Don't let the bed bugs bite...doo doot!!  Don't let the bed bears bite...rawr!!  Don't let cujo bite...meow.  Don't let the bed birds bite whistle whistle.  Don't let the bed Mia bite.  Roof roof...
Good night.  Love you.  Don't forget to pray."
Yep!  Its true!!  And it wouldn't be the same if we didn't do that.
One thing I do every day is tell my children, (even Jon at 14) that I love them.  It is so important that they know that.  Especially after a day that might have been stressful, with fighting, etc..I want my children to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I do love them always and no matter what.

So here is my tribute to sweet little Emmy Anne.  I love you very much daughter o' mine.  I love your singing, your skip when you walk, your sense of humor, your ability to be a leader instead of a follower.
May you never lose the song in your heart. 

A book I've bought for all of my children has this staying in it:
"I love you forever.  I like you for always.  As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be."

Its true isn't it?  It doesn't matter how old you are, or how old your children are.  We are all somebody's baby....

Today I leave you with this~

Do, or do not. There is no "try."
--Yoda, in The Empire Strikes Back

Trying is what we do when we aren't willing to make a commitment. We say, "I'll try," when our heart isn't ready to give a full effort. It's what we say when we can't admit that our resolve is wimpy. And it's the lie that will defeat us.

Some challenges we face can't be conquered simply by saying, "I will do it." But we can choose to do something that will help. We can't move the mountain but we can pick up some rocks. We can engage with the problem and get to know it better. Every action we take leads somewhere and sets us up for the next action. We even learn from our mistakes and that moves us closer to achieving our goal.

Today I will not just "try"; I will do something to move toward my goal.

Smelly hat hair, and smelly mitten fingers??

Does this make sense to you?  If you have little boys who play hard, and don't stop.... you will know exactly what I am talking about!  Caleb is my tender hearted spirited child.  He cries when he knows others hurt, he gives the biggest, bestest hugs, kisses, massages.  If you're sick he will make you feel better with his genuine concern for you.  He laughs with gusto, cries with all his heart, screams with all his might.  I love that little boy.  God blesses me with Caleb for so many reasons.  Maybe to show me patience, maybe to show me what empathy and compassion looks like from the eyes of a child.  Maybe just because he knew he would enrich my life beyond meausre.  Whatever the reason, Thank you God for giving me Caleb.  Caleb entered this world with gusto, and has lived every moment of his life this way.  Sometimes I marvel at his wonder, and at times I wonder about his marvel.  It must be tough to be such a busy boy with such a busy mind.  Sometimes his little eyes just look so darned tired.  Yet he keeps going.  He could be something big as he grows into a man.  He loves the Lord, and I believe he has accepted Christ as his Savior.  I pray that God will keep Caleb safe, and protect him from the many evils of this world.....wrapped in His safe, loving arms, giving him the knowledge and the strength to make right choices as he grows and matures.


I just wanted to share a little bit about my sweet Caleb.  My Lub Lub, my Lubber  MaGhee.  My plan is to do this with each of my children.  Although sometimes being a mom is like "being pecked to death by a duck",  all it takes is that one wet kiss, or pat on the back to bring them right back to that soft place in your heart..

NOW.....Back to the hat thing...
Caleb had been playing long and hard outside for an hour or so.  He comes in, cheeks red, breathing hard, dragging his wet, muddy boots all over the floor.  He takes his hat and mittens off and places them on the table, where Iquickly bend down to kiss his head....SMELLY HAT HAIR.  That damp, dirty smell from playing hard in the snow, and sweating from the play.  So of course I just had to sniff the ol' fingers too....
(its a mom thing).  YUP.  Same smell.
Guess I better wash the winter gear today!
:O)

~Til next time

Patience needed as I figure all this out! :O)

I just wanted to honor my brother's life here too.
We miss you so much, Danny.
We love you.  Hard to believe its been 2 years. 
I am grateful for the time I got to have with you here.
I know you are at peace, sweet peace now.
I know that we will meet again someday, in God's time, and I just might have to give you a fat knuckle!!

Casting Crowns - Somewhere In The Middle (Live)

The wonders of His works~

Good morning!!  On my way to get my 'Bou coffee I saw the most amazing sun rise.  I had to stop right there and just thank God for his works.  This beautiful canvas He created amazes me at times.  Just listening to birds singing in the morning, wind chimes blowing in the wind, full moons, the smell of autumn, beautiful frost on the trees in the morning.  There is much to be grateful for, isn't there?

Today I think I'll give my gratitude list:
I thank you Father for my salvation, my sobriety, for your long suffering, my parents, sister, brother in law, Sami, nieces, nephews, my husband, my children, my furry friends, (even my fish, because its a luxury).
So many simple things we take for granted...I am thankful for my home, tv, computer, bed, pillows, blankets, food, clothing, free education for the children, shoes that fit. 
I guess I should even be thankful for the stress in my life.  If I wasn't blessed with the family I have I would not get to experience the highs and lows of being a mother.  I wouldn't change it for the world. 

I also am thankful for Dr's who are able to properly diagnos and treat ailments, such as kidney stones....(this ones for you, Lisa...)  Lisa is in the hospital right now with a kidney infection and stones.  Say a prayer for a quick recovery.  I love you, sis!

I am off to conferences and a celebratory lunch with the kids and Julie.
We have to celebrate my graduation from my 1 year out patient recovery program!!

Yay God!!

I leave you with this reflection:

"Make me a channel of thy peace— that where
there is hatred, I may bring love— that where there is
wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness— that where
there is discord, I may bring harmony— that where there is
error, I may bring truth— that where there is doubt, I may
bring faith— that where there is despair, I may bring hope
— that where there are shadows, I may bring light— that
where there is sadness, I may bring joy. Lord, grant that I
may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted— to understand,
than to be understood— to love, than to be loved.
For it is by self-forgetting that one finds. It is by forgiving
that one is forgiven. It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal
Life.”