Bit of an emotional basket case...

Or that's how I feel today.  Maybe I'm tired from taking care of the sick children, and that is making me feel sad... and tired, or maybe I'm getting sick??  (Oh, no...please do NOT let it be that!!) Anyways...it  always amazes me that when I find myself feeling down, it always leads me back to Danny.  I mean, I guess in all reality 2 years isn't a lot of time.  But it still strikes me as strange at times.  I don't realize it until something happens like tonight.  The kids were watching  Good Luck Charlie, and it was the episode where baby Charlie is born.  I am on the computer, but hear them "ooohing and awwing" over the baby, and it brings immediate tears to my eyes, as my memory brings me back to when Danny was born.  How amazed I was with him.  How proud I was of him, and how much I loved him.  So here I am, still with a lump in my throat, and for some reason I just feel like sobbing...  ;O)  I suppose hearing cute little stories about his son, James always touches the soul too.  He is just is missing out on so much, and he is missed so much by so many people.  Why it always goes to him I don't know....My new normal I guess?
But I guess its OK to cry every now and then, isn't it?  Guess I will have to pay the bathroom a visit and cleanse the soul with some tears....
So....here is yet another toast to my brother.  I love him, and I miss him today.
And today would be a day that I would have called him to just say "Hi."

I feel better just writing about it.

Fever Dreams and Hot Lava~

Well....the kids got the flu.  Yuck.  High fevers, dry cough, dizziness, body aches, headaches, etc.  Caleb says hot lava is being poured down his throat.  (its not strep).  We were up about 6x last night due to the high fevers and night sweats.

And little Miss Emmy had strange nightmares all night.  I think it must have been because of her high fever? Not sure, but she was 100% certain that there was some evil entity in her room last night.  Whatever "it" was it was shaking her bed and making her jerk all over...  :O)
I convinced her the bed was ok, nothing was in there.  Took her a while to admit that there was no evil entity in there, and that probably she was just thrashing around herself.

Ah....the joys of sick children.

Here's hoping for a quick recovery, and that mom doesn't get this.

Holding Grudges, and Placing Blame~

It took me a long time to realize I had become a master at this.  It is not something that happened intentionally, it happened slowly, and because it is always so much easier to have a "reason" to be the way you are, how you act, etc. I mastered the fine art of placing blame where it did not belong.  Yep.  You read that right!  Where it did NOT belong.  I have started to realize a lot of things as I mature, recover, become more spiritually connected.  There is only one person to hold accountable, and that is yourself.  While you cannot control or change things that may have happened in your life that are painful, traumatic, or even things such as a divorce you did not want, you really are responsible for how you handle them.  Are you going to hang on to them for dear life and let those circumstances forever control you?  Are you going to use it as your excuse for being depressed, angry, sad, etc?  "You don't understand!  I was (you fill in the blank) as a child, teenager, young adult, etc...you'd be messed up too!!"  Well....I've got a secret for you.  Let go of it and stop using it as your excuse.  While every person has to work through the painful things of the past, that is what you have to do.  Work through them, don't climb around them, over them, under them.  Go through them with the help of God.  And by no means should you stay 'in' them.  That is how people grow into adults who have every excuse for their behaviors.  Everyone has painful pasts, we are not alone.  But not every person stays stuck.  What is the difference?  They have learned to forgive, get help, and move on.
I am able to write this because I know first hand.  You can't have something happen to you at age 14 and 20 years later say "I am the way I am because......I still have anger, hate, resentment for so and so.  They did this this and that to me, and I will never forget it, I am scarred forever."  Yes, scarred forever maybe, but scars don't hurt...  they are just gentle reminders of how far we've come....
Reliving things, remembering painful things does.  Therapy and recovery worked wonders for me.  I no longer use my pastas my excuse to be depressed, not trusting, afraid, etc.  I refuse to let that crap control me any longer.  I no longer use my brother's suicide as my ticket to drink.  I have forgiven the people who have wronged me.  I have sought out forgiveness to the people I have wronged.  I no longer let anyone live "rent free" inside my head, I no longer let anyone else, or past hurt, control who I am, or how I behave today.
I have broken free from the blame game.
Have you?

God is here~

My dad and I exchange "Today's Gift" and every once in a while I come across one that really hits home.
The one he sent me today is worth sharing. (in my humble opinion...plus its my blog I can do what I want.  tee hee!!)
In essence, we need to remember that God is always here.  Just because things might not turn out the way "we" want them to, doesn't mean God hasn't answered our prayers.  Doesn't He know best?  You don't have to be in recovery to benefit from the gift I am sharing with you today.  :O)


God Is Here
The Power, which restores us to sanity, is not something remote and abstract, which we must search for by reading books and performing great feats. Our Lord and Savior is with us constantly and is involved in the minute details of every day. We do not have to wait and work to become acceptable to God. God accepts us now, just as we are.
What gets in the way of our awareness of God is self. If we are narrowly focused on the concerns of ego and self-will, we ignore the presence of our Savior. Then we become weak and confused in our aloneness.
To be aware of the presence of God in our lives every day, all we need is the willingness to be open. We find that God is indeed "closer than breathing and nearer than hands and feet." What we may have spent years searching for or denying turns out to be the ground of our existence and the Power that sustains us every minute.
Increase my awareness of You, I pray.

Remembering Danny~

I read a post in my brother's guest book this morning, and for some reason it made me feel quite emotional.  I am missing Danny today.  Its nice to know that people don't forget.  He touched so many lives, whether it be witnessing and leading people to salvation, helping the broken down car on the side of the road, or literally saving lives with his job as a fireman.  He was a hero in the literal sense.  2 close people to Danny died at a young age.  One being his best friend, John.  (killed by a drunk driver), the other a gal who died of a heart condition.  Danny led both of those people down the path to salvation.  What a blessing!  Its all part of God's plan.  Below, please enjoy some pictures of my awesome little brother.  The first pic is of him fighting a pretty major fire.  It was in the news and stuff...

Look at that tattoo.  Believe it or not...yes, he was very, very proud of that thing...Its John Lennon.  He loved John Lennon.  My dad told him it looked like a press on.  Tee hee.  :O)

Sleep overs and Ice Skating!

When is the last time you went ice skating?  I mean, maybe not "official" ice skating since Caleb and I don't have ice skates....
Anyway, Emily had a friend spend the night, and they begged me to bring them ice skating.  So off we went to the rink.  Emily and friend went on their merry way with skates, Caleb and I in our boots.  It was so fun!!!
I do not remember the last time I did that.  Caleb and I held hands and went around this ice trail, and everytime I lost my balance, HE fell.  We laughed the entire time.  It was a blast.  By the end of fun fest, the girls decided to chuck the skates and use their boots instead.  Yep.  Me and Caleb knew what we were doin!  They played spies, and we cracked the ice with our boots.  Caleb found it hilarious that mom could crack the most ice with her feet.  ( I guess he doesn't have to know its because of "other" reasons.)  ;O)
          When we were done, I got the kids some Burger King, and we went home for the sleep over.  Caleb often feels left out when these occur as we have no boys in our neighborhood.  He is often left out, and it breaks his heart right a long with mine.  So I decided Caleb and I were going to have our own sleep over.
Its funny how a shift in wording can mend a little boys heart.  Don't get me wrong, he fought with me because we went to bed before the girls, but after we got all snuggled in our mattresses, we got to talking, and having a bit of our own fun conversations.....Then Bam.  he was asleep.  Ta Da!!! Caleb got to have a sleep over!!
So now I have a happy Caleb this morning.  Happy Caleb = Happy Mom.

Have a great day!!
Drive CAREFUL if you go out in the storm we're supposed to be getting~

He thinks I'm beautiful~

Isn't it nice to know that when you're down on yourself about the way you look, or about getting older, some gray hairs, a new wrinkle, your jeans don't fit, a bad haircut....there is someone who thinks we are beautiful always and no matter what?  I find that very comforting.  Especially us women...we struggle with all this vanity, and worry about how others view us and are always putting ourselves down.  Or at least I have a tendency to do that..(I don't think I'm alone).  But 1 Samuel 16:7 says "For the Lord sees not as man sees; for man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart."  Wow!!  We are all made in God's image.  We are all His children, and He loves US whether we need to lose 20, 30, even 100 pounds.  He loves our wrinkles and all.  That's because He doesn't care about those things!!  He sees our hearts.  Sure seems to me that we should probably start working a bit harder in that area.  Don't get me wrong.  Staying healthy is important, as our bodies are also the temple of God.  But it sure feels darn good to know that He will think I'm beautiful no matter what that number on the scale says.

So here is to us women!!  We need to embrace each other, and not judge.  Not compare.  Not beat ourselves up.  We are loved.  And we are beautiful!!